He never cried when his father died,even with his mother sobbing in his arms.Who was this person?Lately he has been letting me drive. He would never do that unless he wascompletely drunk. He always insisted on driving. But there he was on theway back from hospital, with his hands in his lap, looking out the window.Hardly listening to a word I was saying.Thankfully his agreed to wear pants to the appointment. I would have diedif he had worn one of the dresses that he wears around the house. He saysthey make him feel more normal. Could there be anything more abnormalthat a man in dress, plucked of every hair on his body except the growingmop on his head?But he just will not engage with me at all. He just tells me to be calm.There was a time when he would have slapped me down for shouting at himthe way I did. I hated that about him. I knew that he called never becalled a gentle person, but violence against any woman, and me inparticular, is unforgivable. Yet now I almost. I was trying to make myself get soft without touching myself;so that she could not see anything I picked up a teddy bear and put it onmy belly."Wow, I really liked that," I told her sitting up and moving the teddybear to my lap doing a good job of covering up. It got soft quickly. "Itwas so much better than Charlie, but why did you do it?" she could notbring herself to look me in the face. I put my hand on her chin andforced her to look at me. "Why did you do that?" I asked again. I couldsee she was about to cry."I don't know. I wanted to do that for weeks. I could not control myselfany longer. Are you mad at me?" If I was mad at you would I do this?" I held her and kissed her. Thistime I was the dominant one. I don't think I should have done it but as Ikissed her I squeezed her breast. I forced her down and lay on top ofher. I found myself getting hard again but could not stop. This was myfirst time going this far. Many times in the past when we saw each otherwe would give each.
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